I’m the girl who has it all, right? The little white poodle, yawning delicately at my feet the thick, luxurious blond hair the perfect body the gorgeous boyfriend with the limitless credit card, who seems to care so much about me that he’ll buy out the local women’s boutique in my size just because I said I can’t come down to dinner because I have nothing to wear. I know people are wondering how that’s even possible. Not in any magazine or on any website anywhere.

So far, Lulu says, there hasn’t been a single shot of me facing the camera and smiling. My roommate, Lulu, texted me that she heard a picture of us together can fetch upward of ten grand…as long as I’m facing the camera and smiling. It’s big news, I guess, the Face of Stark and the heir to the Stark fortune hooking up with each other over the holidays. I even saw one perched in a tree, trying to get a shot of me and Brandon Stark together that time we came out of the house to go grab some takeout at the local crab shack. They’re stretched out in ditches up and down the road, their telephoto lenses pointed through tufts of sea grass in the hopes of capturing me topless on a chaise longue by the pool (like that’s going to happen). They’re hiding in the dunes all along the beach.

There are paparazzi staking out the oceanside mansion where Brandon and I are holed up. SO ACCORDING TO THE TABLOIDS, I’M on a secret love getaway (not so secret anymore now, though, is it? Thank you, Us Weekly) with Brandon Stark, the only son and sole heir of billionaire Robert Stark, currently the fourth-richest person in the world, after Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Ingvar Kamprad (who founded IKEA, in case you didn’t know).

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